5 simple steps: when you are losing it as a parent

In those moments when we're just about to lose it with our kids and we don't really want to blow up at them, it's good to learn how to de-escalate. Things often feel way more urgent than they actually are.

Start by asking yourself "is the house on fire?"

If it's not, here's what you need to do instead of freaking out.

Try my 5-step protocol

1. Stash your kids somewhere safe for 5 mins (if developmentally appropriate). If they are squabbling, separate them. If they need entertaining stick on an audiobook; or get out a special toy you hide to use only in these moments; or occupy them with a much-coveted foodstuff.
2. Go where you feel safe and ideally not overheard. Lots of folks use the bathroom or car if nowhere else can work.
3. Call one of your Listening Partners
   1. If you don't know what these are, read my HuffPost article The secret weapon every parent needs to know about.
   2. If you know what they are but do not have any, this simple guide will help you rectify this immediately!
   3. In a pinch, Step 4 can be done alone (or at least with pillows and a baseball bat).
4. Scream / rant / cry / make some noise / thrash about. Catastrophise about how much the house is DEFINITELY burning down. Blame everyone whose fault it is. Swear like a rabid, Tourettes-ridden creature. Tell them exactly how much you want to throttle your two-year-old and ditch your 12-year-old at boarding school. Be NOT-AT-ALL fine. Just for 5 minutes.
5. Go back to your life with a miraculous capacity to keep holding the shit together. It works. I promise you!

Emergency Listening

What I've just described is what we call taking EMERGENCY listening. Unlike your regular Listening Partnerships, (where you schedule a preemptive time to exchange listening regularly, with the intention of pouring out the build-up of feelings to prevent yourself from losing it quite so often) emergency listening is taken spontaneously as and when needed. And in this set up you just receive 5 minutes of listening with no need to reciprocate in that instant. It'll all balance out.

And if you are ready to create next level emotional support for yourself and get to a place where you even have an abundance of trusted listeners on hand for when you need them... check out Listening School: Our 6-week online course that walks you through the process of making this happen and learning how to use this practice to transform your parenting and your life.

2024 UPDATE: for current courses, find more resources and all the latest updates here.

Here's what folks say about this life-changing experience:

And if you're still hungry for more, here are some tips from Hand in Hand Parenting on how to find a listening partner.