The Family Turnaround Session

Susie* has OCD and was battling all day long with her oppositional child. She felt desperately worried because her child was clearly not OK. The daily morning fights left her feeling guilty, stressed and late for work. At times her kid was also doing OCD-type behaviours and Susie was worried she might have passed it on. All the people in her life were suggesting it was due to a weakness in her parenting. She felt utterly disgusted with herself.

As if that level of stress, day-in, day-out wasn’t unworkable enough, she was also juggling an abusive situation with her children’s father that was draining the rest of her energy. Her life felt like Hell. A crisis situation that couldn’t continue any longer…

Now, one year on, she's playing with her kids and able to be really present. All the stress has been lifted off her and her life has been rearranged in ways she could never have imagined. Even her OCD is mostly under control, she’s stopped the compulsive checking, except for in periods of stress. She’s no longer entangled in relentless abuse with her ex and the best thing is that her ‘problem child’ is now a happy, engaged teenager who does dance recitals and has sweet friendships. They are no longer battling each morning and instead Susie even gets, "I love you, mum, I know I was being a dick, thanks for putting up with me."

*All names have been changed to protect confidentiality

Jules* knew that something needed attending to: there was a time in her son's early life that wasn't OK. She didn't know what needed to happen or how she would face it (maybe therapy or something?) but she knew instinctively that they’d all been living in the shadow of “what had happened” and there was no getting away from it. Her family felt broken and Jules was distraught and in grief about this. It’s like they’d all lost 5 years of their lives while she was unable to deal with it, unable to really show up for any of their children. The shame kept her paralysed and unable to take action.

When she learned of this approach, it made sense to her and felt right - where other approaches hadn't. She feels so grateful that she trusted her guts as she’s seeing great results.

Now, she’s noticing not only is her sweet boy on track but the approach is spilling over into her relationships with her other children. Where previously her son had been sullen, shut-down and locking himself away on his phone for hours each day, getting explosive if Jules ever tried to say “no” - now it’s like he’s back again. There’s a sparkle in his eye. He goes on family walks and even helps make dinner sometimes. Most importantly, Jules knows she has done right by her treasured son and that helps her sleep at night.

 * All names have been changed to protect confidentiality

Harry’s* parents came to me in desperation when he was 3. He was aggressive and every time they received a call from his nursery saying he’d hurt another child and needed taking home, they were utterly mortified. He was also extremely picky about food and wouldn’t even tolerate most foods on his plate. His sleep had been tricky as a baby and he was always up at 5am, belligerent and needing instant attention!

When a child has sleep issues, aggression or is fussy with food (as well as any kind of anxiety including around separation) it usually indicates that there’s a level of fear lodged in the body, usually from an early time in life. Harry had been born with a fever and was subjected to a lumbar puncture at only 2 days old. His parents were still distressed about this experience and were both able to shed a tear as they told me the story of how he had been pinned down and the high-pitched screaming that ensued.

One thing that had recently changed for Harry was the arrival of his baby sister, Carly. His mum Georgie couldn’t work it out because Harry had been so sweet with his sister until more recently.
It seemed clear to me that Carly becoming bigger (and more of a ‘person’: grabbing for toys and walking) was being received as a threat by Harry’s emotional brain. This was kicking up a fear of scarcity that there might not be enough love and attention to go around.

The first thing we did (after I helped his parents offload some of the stress they were carrying) was send a signal to Harry’s limbic system by increasing the level of resource in the form of play. This allowed him to relax into experiencing that the opposite of what his fear was telling him was also true. Georgie started to set some limits at the dinner table like, “You’ve got enough honey on your yoghurt, Harry”. This allowed Harry to get really worked up about small pretexts (in order to release some of the stress that was bubbling up from times past).

Georgie rang me one morning in alarm and desperate embarassment. Harry had had an enormous tantrum right outside his classroom and had scratched and bitten her. “This wasn’t normal for him”, she said. I reassured her that because she had been moving in with a new depth of presence, playfulness and availability, his emotional system was now able to shed a load.

After this Harry was never again sent home for aggressive behaviour at school. Over time he began to accept new foods on his plate. Though it took many months, they eventually got to a place that felt harmonious. She also began to set a limit that Harry would go back to sleep if he woke before 6. After some big cries around this, not only did his sleep pattern change, but he began to wake up as his sunny, chirpy self.

 * All names have been changed to protect confidentiality